Awhile back I was in a relationship I thought about leaving all the time, and I was also listening to Kyle Cease.
He’d be like, “you know that person you want to break up with, but you CAN’T because the holidays are coming up?”
“You know the person you want to break up with, but you CAN’T because you’ve got a camping trip planned in two months? And you’d rather stay miserable?”
I’d laugh uncomfortably.
My heavy-feels were saying … you’re squashing the hell out of me trying to make this work . . . but but but but but
I couldn’t leave. Because fear.
My fear said . . . I’ll never find someone this good again. And then there’s loneliness, I can deal with anything but that.
PLUS, people change all the time. Our brains are so plastic. And maybe trying harder will turn the emptiness between us into something deep and nourishing.
. . . .
Here’s the thing. I’m surrounded by therapists, and I see couples come back from devastating disconnection all the time, when they both want to. When they’re willing to speak the truth about their desires and risk with each other and offer emotional support to tender places.
But their story wasn’t ours. And it cut me in half.
You guys, fear is a horrible place to build a life from. It guarantees unhappiness.
. . . .
Life wanted to take me somewhere else. Somewhere more authentic. Somewhere more loving. So I finally, finally, finally . . . took a million times longer than anyone else would have taken, and followed the lightness into not-knowing.
And even the loneliness held more joy than where I’d been.
Isn’t that incredible?
That the very thing I was the most frightened of—being alone—could feel more whole than the space I’d been occupying.
Kyle says, if we knew what was coming, we wouldn’t be afraid. It would be easier to follow our feelings. Because the lightness is the preview.
And it really is.
There are caveats of course. The same version of me that used to want to call my ex also wanted to buy a bottle of wine at the same time. But I could find my way back by connecting with myself.
We never know where life will take us, until we let her take us there. Trust the process. Trust your gut. When we say no to the numbing-fear, life will move us deeper and deeper into beauty.
And it is not without pain. But it is exquisite.